Carbon Fixated has now a exposed a far greater scandal than "Carbongate." It is time to expose the fraudulent religion that worships Issac Newton, who was even fatter than Al Gore, and his silly assertions about gravity, not to mention the meaningless babble of incantations called calculus.

If you own any shares in companies that produce reflecting telescopes, use differential and integral calculus, or rely on the laws of motion, I should start dumping them NOW. The conspiracy behind the calculus myth has been suddenly, brutally and quite deliciously exposed after volumes of Newton’s private correspondence were compiled and published.

I'm tempted to quote extensively, but instead simply urge you to read the whole thing.

Related Links:

On ‘climategate’

What to make of the new climate poll

Skeptics claim global warming is fake after top scientists’ emails hacked at CRU

For some people, climate change is a tough cause to rally ‘round—even those who understand that it’s happening and that it’s human-caused get distracted by things like eating, working, having sex, watching TV, or watching people on TV have sex.

While social scientists ponder the best ways to get the message out and motivate the masses—and since we’re gearing up to cover December’s climate talks in Copenhagen—we’ve devised a Grist list of good reasons to care about this global crisis. Got reasons of your own? Let us know in the comments section below.

25. Because supermodels are stripping for the cause. If these lovely ladies are getting hot and bothered, shouldn’t you? At least watch the video. Call it your good deed for the day.

24. Because you don’t want your insurance premiums to go up. The sea level rise, severe weather, flash floods, and windstorms attributable to climate change have all got the insurance industry on edge. Some firms in the U.S. have already raised premiums in coastal areas, and rates in the U.K. are on the rise as well.

Dirt moguls just aren’t the same.Photo: Shay Haas23. Because you like to ski. Listen up, snow bunny: you’ll soon be consigned to schussing in an indoor dome if climate chaos has its way. Shorter winters and decreased snowfall are forcing big ski areas to ramp up their snowmaking efforts (a questionable scheme in the face of global water shortages) and leading smaller ski areas to close.

22. Because you’re a raging hypochondriac. Warmer temperatures mean happy, thriving insects, which might mean increased risk of West Nile, encephalitis, malaria, dengue fever, and yellow fever. Do you really need more to worry about? Isn’t that weird spot on your inner thigh enough?

Nothing to see here, folks.Photo: andedam via flickr21. Because it’s a good excuse to learn weird things about animal sex. OK, you don’t care about the plight of the polar bears. But admit it, you’re curious about polar bear penises, aren’t you? And why they’re larger in snowier areas? That’s nothing compared to the lengths sea turtles go to for reproduction, and the flip-flopping gender of the hot bearded dragon lizard. Go on, check it out —you know you want to.

20. Because you hate oil. If your soul still wilts at the thought of all those people in slickers cleaning slick-covered birds in the wake of the Exxon Valdez spill, if you’d rather ride a bike than participate in the auto economy, then climate change is your issue, man. Fossil fuels got us here, and ending our reliance on them can get us out. But you don’t need us to tell you that.

19. Because you love oil. So maybe you didn’t mind the oily birds and you love driving your car? You should be worried too: according to a report from the U.S. government, the severe storms that are becoming more frequent due to climate change threaten our infrastructure and transportation networks, including the ports and freight lines used to transport oil. The oil-rich Gulf Coast is, as was made painfully clear in 2005, a particularly vulnerable area. Stop climate change in its tracks! Save the oil distribution network!

18. Because you eat rice. It’s a pleasant side dish to you, and for 750 million people, it’s a life-giving staple: rice. But this crucial crop stands to wither in the face of climate change, thanks to rising temperatures, increased flooding, and rats. Yeah, rats—they scurry in after major storms, eat all the rice, and nibble on people too. Care yet?

He speaks truth.Photo: Martin Crook17. Because Stephen Colbert does. Need we say more?

16. Because the Christian Coalition does. Need we pray more?

15. Because it will create jobs. Talk about your silver lining: In the midst of the deepest recession this country has seen in decades, attempts to forestall this global climate scourge could create new jobs in clean-energy industries, weatherization, and other areas. The feds are already steering money toward job training for green professions, and clean-energy legislation now before Congress could create jobs and boost the GDP of every U.S. state.

14.  Because you live near water. Sea levels could rise as much as a meter or more by 2100. That’s enough to put places like Miami, downtown Philadelphia, and parts of Manhattan underwater. How many people live in such vulnerable coastal areas? Oh, just 53 percent of the U.S. population.

13. Because Kardashians interest you more than Katrinas. Who can forget the powerful images beamed around the world when Hurricane Katrina hit: the faces of the forgotten, houses crumpled like paper cups, water washing over everything. And who can forget how they beamed in during your favorite show! So inconsiderate. If this sort of prime-time interruption irritates you, you may want to get involved in the climate fight. Because we’re going to see a lot more storms, and that means a lot more unhappy people beamed in your living room.

12. Because you like breathing. Got lungs? Got a healthy apprecation for fresh air? Well, take a deep breath: warming-induced increases in ground-level ozone and particulate matter are expected to increase respiratory disorders including asthma, and a recent study says more children will be hospitalized over the next decade due to such respiratory problems.

11. Because colorful coral jewelry completes most of your outfits. Prepare to adopt a new accessory, or wear a lot of white necklaces: climate change has led to massive coral bleaching and die-offs. The real problem is the disturbance of the delicate relationship between coral reefs and the teensy organisms that build them and give them color. It’s the foundation of a healthy ocean, which is the foundation of a healthy planet.

10. Because you won’t be able to hold up your end of a conversation with Obama, Lucy Lawless, Glenn Beck, Evander Holyfield, or the Pope if you don’t. You can probably fake it with Miley Cyrus, though.

Fading to black.Photo: burnblue9. Because colorful fall leaves are so pretty. But warmer autumns—and pests that enjoy warmer autumns—are messing with the trees. Duller leaves means less for you to look at, and translates into an economic hit for places like New England that rely on tourism generated by the annual phenomenon.

8. Because you don’t want to serve embarrassing champagne. Rising temperatures are altering the world’s finest champagnes, making the alcohol content “embarrassingly high,” says one British wine critic. How fun! Uh, we meant to say how terrible.

7. Because you like lights to come on when you flip a switch. Remember that blackout in 2003? The one that left 50 million people in the dark? That happened on a hot, hot day when lots of people wanted electricity. Guess what we’re in for more of? Hot, hot days. Guess how much our power grid has improved since then? Not much. For a little bit of Jazzercise for the brain, check out this academic paper on climate’s potential impacts on our power grids and national security—including, oh, crippling our society.

6.  Because: “insect feeding frenzy.” Shudder.

5. Because you support the recycled-soda-bottle fleece industry. What will become of those cozy fleece jackets made from recycled soda bottles? Such an incredible innovation, such a wonderful way forward—but if our northern climes turn temperate and our southern climes turn tropical, no one will wear fleece. And those soda bottles are going right back in the trash.

4. Because you think it’s depressing when old people die alone in hot apartments. Heat waves are the deadliest natural disaster in the U.S.—and the probability of severe heat waves is increasing along with temperatures. If emissions are not reduced, heat waves are projected to double in Los Angeles and quadruple in Chicago. With an aging boomer population, that’s a recipe for one hot mess.

3. Because you think it’s depressing when little kids die. It’s happening. Now. According to Save the Children, 9 million kids die before their fifth birthday each year from diseases that are occurring more frequently because of climate change, which is also affecting access to food and water. What are you, completely heartless?

2. Because everyone at Grist cares. We’re a bunch of (fairly) normal people, with pets and kids and money woes and Twitter obsessions—but we all think this is big. Like, bigger than Elvis. A survey shows that our reasons range from the practical (I live near the coast) to the dire (it’s going to kill my unborn grandbabies). But on one thing we agree: we need to do whatever we can to reverse this course.

1.  Because if we stop climate change, we can stop earnest lists like this. Seriously. We’d rather be doing other stuff too. Like maybe watching that supermodel video again?

Related Links:

Copenhagen climate summit (part 1): the expectations

Soil carbon—a blind spot in the debate on carbon

Do diesel-based farmers dream of electric tractors?

Related Links:

State of the Climate Movement: Can fasting and asceticism save the world?

Martha Stewart blisters meat industry in Thanksgiving show

Ask Umbra’s video advice on composting

Send your question to Umbra!

Q. Hi Umbra,

Do you have any suggestions for an environmentally friendly Halloween treat, and something that parents won't worry about?

Thanks,
Kim W.
Ann Arbor, Mich.

A. Dearest Kim,

Or there's the ever-popular "hot mama Earth" costume.Grist TVWe've said lots about Halloween over the years, but there's always more to say. Which is why I dug your letter out of the e-mail archives to suit my needs. Will my ghoulish charm convince you to overlook that haunting maneuver? This year, I've found a new list of non-food items for trick-or-treaters, and I'm ready for the 2009 Climate Change Costume Closet.

I have made alterna-candy suggestions before, and now I've discovered the Green Halloween non-food treat list, which includes basic but brilliant ideas such as acorns, Band-Aids, polished rocks, and whistles (and also strange things such as recycled glass tiles). We also have a handy how-to guide to greening the rest of the holiday, and of course costume suggestions by moi.

This year's costume suggestions focus less on witty and sexy (yep, that CFL costume got us all some action) in order to reflect the seriousness of the climate situation and, perhaps more important, remind people that there is a climate situation. In all fairness, I do feel that the Health Care Debate offers richer costume possibilities than the Climate Debate. But Tea Party activists and a rabid Fox are good costumes that can lead to conversations about either hot political topic.

Here are my as usual brilliant ideas (some supplied by friends and family), sure to offer all of us a brief chance for informative conversation with a baffled co-Halloweener. You know, like a more-likely-to-occur elevator pitch.

High Albedo: A shiny, shiny costume, which could integrate silver lame, a silver umbrella, silver boots, a space blanket, or all white items along the same lines. When they ask what you are, you say something along the lines of, "I'm albedo, you know, highly reflective like the melting ice caps." You may want to research and rehearse your response to make it less awful than that.

Kerry-Boxer: Just you and a friend dressed up like John Kerry and Barbara Boxer -- or you dressed up like John Kerry wearing boxing gloves -- armed with talking points about why your Senate Climate bill is important. This costume will work best if -- well, if you can look like the two of them, first of all, but also if you are able to inhabit your role and take on a politician's earnest enthusiasm. Then, you'll be able to trap your questioner with a barrage of helpful information about the vital importance of an effective climate bill. Say their name repeatedly and touch them on the upper arm several times in a comradely way.

Waxman-Markey: Kerry-Boxer for the advanced costumer. Does anyone know what these two guys look like?

Homeless Polar Bear: Sad, but true.

Fundraising Maldivian: Dressed in summery clothing, with a sign and a jar, asking for donations toward resettlement since your home is about to be underwater. If Halloween weather does not prohibit being damp, be damp.

Wind Turbine: Body is pole, turbine is atop head. ‘Nuf said.

The Atmosphere: Probably best as a group costume in which each member chooses an atmospheric component, with most going as carbon dioxide, methane, water vapor, etc. Do not be scientifically correct in proportioning the number of carbon equivalent costumes. When individual members of the atmosphere are questioned, say something like, "I'm methane, part of the atmosphere [point to other group members]. I'm small but influential, and I can really mess those guys up." If the questioner looks askance or seems doubtful, start muttering about extreme weather events coming to the party soon.

Cap and Trade: I can't quite figure this one out, other than a vague and unsatisfying idea involving swapping piles of hats. The person who does pull it off in a clever way deserves some kind of award. Keep us posted.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Affectionately,
Umbra

Related Links:

State of the Climate Movement: Can fasting and asceticism save the world?

Ask Umbra on ditching dirty things

Ask Umbra’s video advice on composting

Halloween is almost upon us! Still stumped about the best way to decorate your premises for this spookiest of holidays? We have here a set of six Grist-exclusive patterns to help you carve the perfect eco-pumpkin. Each pattern comes with instructions. Just click on your favorite, print the PDF, sharpen your knife, and get to it.

Then all you’ll have left to do is choose the perfect costume. (Don’t go as Bill McKibben, you’ll steal our thunder.)

Related Links:

State of the Climate Movement: Can fasting and asceticism save the world?

Ask Umbra’s video advice on composting

Obama administration officials grateful for early spring

The International Day of Climate Action spearheaded by 350.org has already kicked off, and will involve more than 4,800 events in 171 countries. Find one near you—and then tell Grist about your big time!

Sometimes it can be quite expedient
To act all quiet and obedient.
But now’s the time, across the land:
Get off your butt and take a stand!

On October 24, climate voices ring—from Mongolia to Maine.350.org

Related Links:

State of the Climate Movement: Can fasting and asceticism save the world?

Learning how to count to 350

Kids just say no—to fossil fuels

This week brought news that made all sorts of people say, “Well, damn!”:
The climate-bill support of one Senator Lindsey Graham.
The damners on the left are thrilled that Graham thinks with his head.
The damners on the right shout, “Lindsey, why’d you get in bed!”

They’ve also had some more choice words, like wussypants and RINO*
And douchebag, asshat, Dem in drag—good grief, they sure can whine-o.
I hope this douchebag has some spine, and gets more Sens. on board
Or climate change will send his critics straight unto the Lord.

 * Republican In Name Only.

Lindsey explains it all.lgraham.senate.gov

Related Links:

State of the Climate Movement: Can fasting and asceticism save the world?

China, India, U.S. commit to seal Copenhagen deal

Obama administration officials grateful for early spring

Grist catches up with The Yes Men—those high-minded pranksters behind the faux climate-week New York Post and the notorious SurvivaBall—to talk about runaway climate change, that Big Apple arrest, their plans for Copenhagen, and their latest movie, The Yes Men Fix the World, which comes out on October 7.

To get involved with The Yes Men in an effort they hope will be the largest international climate civil disobedience action of all time, visit www.beyondtalk.net.

Related Links:

Will the Washington Post ever fact check a George Will column?

State of the Climate Movement: Can fasting and asceticism save the world?

Kids just say no—to fossil fuels

Halliburton’s custom-designed SurvivaBall.The world’s most upstanding corporate citizens, like Halliburton, Monsanto, and ExxonMobil, take climate change seriously.  It’s a serious opportunity for profit.  That’s why, in addition to spending millions to perpetuate the energy, environmental, and subsidy policies that sustain their ongoing operations, they’ve created this “gated community for one”—the SurvivaBall.

Specially designed to enable its wearer to withstand months of drought, fierce hurricanes, and catastrophic floods (it floats on water!), the SurvivaBall makes it unnecessary to transition to a low-carbon economy or finance adaptation for the world’s poor.

You can even dance in it!  As for procreation between SurvivaBallists ... well, the technology’s not quite there yet.  But failure to enact a strong, effective climate treaty would create the market conditions needed to drive just that sort of innovation.

How can we ensure that SurvivaBall will be the solution the G20 focuses on for climate change?  Encourage world leaders to think only of their nations’ narrow, short-term interests, leave firm commitments on emissions or humanitarian aid unspoken, and continue to support business-as-usual behavior in the energy, manufacturing, and transport sectors.

Buy yours today!

Related Links:

Newtongate: the final nail in the coffin of Enlightenment thinking

Top 25 reasons to give a damn about climate change

It’s Getting Ha! in Here: Maria Bamford

Clock block.This week saw heated multitudes descend on NYC
Their passions were aflame, though some were acting quite icy.
A human countdown filled the park with cries of Tck, Tck, Tck
And Indy told his corporate pals this problem they could lick.
Obama wowed the world by saying nothing much, and how!
He met his match in vagueness in our old friend Hu Jintao.

Hugh Jackman, Heather Graham, and other pretties lent their heft.
(Without celebs we might be feeling much, much more bereft!)
And then there were the Yes Men, those wry stunters we love most
Who tizzied up the city with that version of the Post.
Now Climate Week is over, but its vibe we must remember
As we plod e’er onward toward That Meeting in December.

Related Links:

Washington Times: “Obama digs in on global warming”

Chuck Norris on Copenhagen

The U.S.-India climate ‘partnership’

As our throngs of loyal poetry readers no doubt noticed, the weekly climate poem took a bit of a breather after its last appearance. Apparently it has senatorial aspirations and was just “trying on the whole multi-week break thing for size.” But it’s now back in session.

Like students overwhelmed by back to school,
Our senators their heels are keeping cool.

By which I mean they’re not in a great rush
To float some sort of climate legis—HUSH!

Not true, says Reid’s man Manley, it’ll pass.
That’s right, says Gibbs: we’re gonna kick some ass!

There’s so much we can do, there’s lots, there’s plenty.
But first we’ve gotta get through the G-20.

Related Links:

A scientific hack job that won’t cripple climate talks

Copenhagen, U.S.A. December 7

Newtongate: the final nail in the coffin of Enlightenment thinking

Arrrrr ye gettin’ more done now?Official White House photostream via flickr[UPDATE: A White House spokesperson called me to clarify that it’s parts of the White House complex, not the White House itself, that will be seeking LEED certification. Like many others in the blogosphere, I got swept up in the excitement of imagining hemp sheets in the Lincoln bedroom. Maybe next year—meanwhile, just mutter “complex” to yourself each time you read the phrase White House here.]

The benefits of green building are becoming clearer all the time: A study released this week suggests that employees in greener buildings are more productive and take fewer sick days than those in non-green buildings. The same day the study came out, news was spreading that the White House would pursue LEED certification—a goal that is, says U.S. Green Building Council president Rick Fedrizzi, “absolutely possible and viable.”

While the feds explore options including window films, waste reduction, and smarter energy use, I found myself wondering just one thing: If greener buildings mean more productive employees, will working in a LEED-certified White House mean Obama can finally get some shit done?

To find an answer to this carefully considered question, I decided to survey a few in the know. First I contacted Norm Miller of the University of San Diego’s Burnham-Moores Center for Real Estate, who co-authored the productivity study. He immediately answered my question in the spirit in which it was asked. “Clearly Obama is a slacker and he eats fast food and smokes, so just think what he could do in a greener White House,” Miller said.  “Our health-care system and budget deficit would probably have been solved by now if the President had clean air to breathe and better natural light.”

Bill Walsh, founder of the Healthy Building Network, echoed the importance of clean air and natural light where productivity is concerned—though he wondered, given the fact that LEED’s clean-air guidelines offer credit for banning smoking, if we might “expect to see the President huddled under the portico smoking a butt.”

Urban-planning expert Tim Halbur of Planetizen had his own thoughts on the clean-air connection: “The interesting factor in the productivity story is the effect of air quality on health and feelings of well-being. Just getting dust, mold, and germs properly filtered appears to mean that 45 percent of people have 2.88 fewer sick days each year. Who knows what Obama could accomplish with an extra 2.88 days a year? Maybe bring peace to Israel, just with a little better air conditioning.”

And then there was former Sierra Club press secretary Eric Antebi, now a VP at Fenton Communications: “Hard to say how much it will help productivity, but it certainly couldn’t hurt. Unless he were to trip over a low-flow toilet and fall head first into a stack of low-VOC paint cans. That could hurt a lot.”

And do these keen observers have any ideas for how the White House could be greener? You betcha. “As I said in a recent Grist interview, living densely is the easiest way to go green,” Halbur said. “So Obama already has that going for him—he’s got zero commute. He walks to work by going down the hall. So he’s already in great shape. As we know, the worst culprit in carbon footprint is air travel, so I suppose if he swapped Air Force One and Marine One (the helicopter) for some sort of zeppelin that runs on solar power he’d be better off.”

Obama, we’re just tee-sing. We know you work your putt off.Official White House photostream via flickrAlexander Lee, founder and director of Project Laundry List, says the answer is blowing in the wind: “A clothesline at the White House would herald a new age of leadership and demonstrate an understanding on the part of the Obamas that we need a new economy.” Lee says Americans’ post-War love affair with machines “has made us fat, kept us cut off from the outdoors, and chained us to a desk to earn enough money for all this stuff that is really detrimental to the environment and not necessary for a healthy, happy existence.”

Walsh of HBN had another innovative suggestion for the White House green team: “Maybe Van Jones can be brought back in order to get credit for using recycled materials.” (In fact, Jones’s former employer, the White House Council on Environmental Quality, is leading the LEED charge; at press time, I was still playing e-tag with a spokesperson to get their take.)

Whatever the upgrades, USD study co-author Miller concludes that a greener White House is long overdue: “Our prior President Bush probably did not realize why his brain functioned so slowly at times. We suspect now, after careful scientific study, that Bush’s vocabulary would have likely reached that of a tenth grader had he lived in a better environment.”

Related Links:

Why buying cheap energy certificates worsens climate change

Ask Umbra on ditching dirty things

Ask Umbra on trash, toxics, and tots

Related Links:

Obama administration may (finally) offer greenhouse-gas targets

Newtongate: the final nail in the coffin of Enlightenment thinking

Top 25 reasons to give a damn about climate change

This week’s verse was contributed by the White House as it worked on plans for a farmers market. Check out more climate poems from Grist.

First we thought cars were the fix, so Congress made a bet:
Give people cash and they will trade their clunking old Corvette.
And boy, they did! In drives—uh, droves—till we ran out of dough.
Now sliiiightly more efficient rides are always on the go.

If we can’t change the climate with a 2 m.p.g. bribe
Perhaps there is another way we can convert this tribe.
They still love dirty coal and oil and gas and even nukes,
But maybe they will see the light if we start selling cukes!

stuartpilbrow via flickr

Related Links:

Washington Times: “Obama digs in on global warming”

Professor confessions

Chuck Norris on Copenhagen

Related Links:

Ask Umbra on ditching dirty things

Ask Umbra’s video advice on composting

Turn your turkey carcass into a spectacular gumbo

Update below

The coal-industry group Families Organized to Represent the Coal Economy, which doesn’t actually allow families to join, has a wonderfully crappy coloring book for children. Let’s have a look!

Plot, character development, and drawings that kids would actually want to color don’t seem to be priorities for "Eyes for Frosty." At least it picks a relevant topic in snowmen—they won’t be around for long if the coal industry succeeds in stomping all over climate change legislation. And kids will be stuck with the consequences of our fossil-fuel pollution, so it sort of makes sense to at least leave them with a coloring book.

All Images: Families Organized to Represent the Coal Economy

It should be clear already: the artist’s heart just isn’t in this.

Meet Power Rock and his sidekick Spurt.

[Skipping boring stuff about prehistoric sediment]

But where did the mountaintops go?

Spurt finally gets some screen time.

Power Rock’s eyes get more evil-looking in each frame.

Wait, they can fly? Come back Power Rock! Come back Spurt!

Now go check out some real climate art.

Update: Alert reader SOLARKISMET informs us the Illinois Department of Commerce and Economic Opportunity runs an annual Coal Calendar Art & Essay Contest for middle schoolers. It's sad, but these student artists show more talent than the "Eyes for Frosty" creator. Why, Illinois, why?

Related Links:

Vinod Khosla Nonesense

Ask Umbra on ditching dirty things

On ‘climategate’

Bill McKibben—author, Grist board member, and 350.org leader—appeared on The Colbert Report Monday night to talk climate change and spread the word about the International Day of Climate Action on Oct. 24. He also gave a solid explanation of the significance of the number 350. The ever-courteous Stephen Colbert threatened to upstage him by launching his own 349.org.

Related Links:

Learning how to count to 350

Bill McKibben says time is running out on climate delays

Newtongate: the final nail in the coffin of Enlightenment thinking

Show them all the Jonas they possess inside.

It’s easy to smirk at Selena and Miley
They don’t seem to work, and they’re far too smiley.
And when they record a new eco-song,
Who can afford to listen for long?

But here is the thing us fogeys must know:
When tween angels sing, even if the songs blow,
The messages hurled in each sappy chorus
Will help save the world—for the next ones, not for us.

Hat tip to Ecorazzi—if you give hat tips to people who make bad songs burrow into your brain.

Related Links:

State of the Climate Movement: Can fasting and asceticism save the world?

Kids just say no—to fossil fuels

Newtongate: the final nail in the coffin of Enlightenment thinking

"President Obama has lit a fire under people. He’s actively engaged in taking on big issues: energy; two wars; health care; the economy. 

I haven’t seen a brother take on so many issues at once since Marvin Gaye put 'What’s Going On,' 'Mercy Mercy Me,' and 'Inner City Blues' all on the same album."

-- EPA administrator Lisa Jackson, speaking at the National Association of Black Journalists 
conference

Related Links:

Washington Times: “Obama digs in on global warming”

Approaching Copenhagen with a Portfolio of Domestic Commitments

Chuck Norris on Copenhagen

So Congress approved and President Obama signed an extension of the hugely popular (and not-really-so-green) cash-for-clunkers program. Woohoo!

We can think of some better “Cash for ...” programs the government should be funding …

Related Links:

Do diesel-based farmers dream of electric tractors?

Martha Stewart blisters meat industry in Thanksgiving show

Toward a medically defensible energy policy