Ever since the primaries, Clinton's handlers have been paranoid about allowing him to steer anywhere near the colorful.  However, I managed to come across an early draft of the planned speech complete with stage directions.  I'm sure you will agree the presentation would have been much improved if the original vision had been followed.

Pass a price on carbon via a cap-and-trade system - with all auctions conducted by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.   Come on out, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!  Yeah!  Here they are!  Give me an M! M! T! C! O! 2! E!

Tax credits to purchasers or producers of clean energy -- the investment tax credit for wind and production tax credit for solar -- must have a 6-10 year time frame (instead of one and two year extensions we). Clinton grew quite animated about this point. Animation a good idea - perhaps lovable cartoon character (Elmo?) could sing about how "the sun shines forever" but so far, sadly, "credits are only for today."

Modernize the electrical grid, both its efficiency and its carrying capacity -- "taxpayers ought to split the cost with utilities." At this point Clinton does some energetic splits himself, flanked by several of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

 
Utility decoupling ought to be mandatory federal policy rather than left to the states. Replace "utility decoupling" with new, focus-grouped consumer friendly phrase, "reverse bloodsucking."

Accelerate replacement of incandescent lights with florescent, and raise appliance efficiency standards.  Enormous banks of fluorescent and LED stadium-style lightboards descend from the ceiling and begin to flash in time to patriotic music (Tim McGraw?) The crowd should be going wild, in an environmentally sustainable way.

Fund research and deployment of carbon capture and sequestration to help build giant underground reservoirs of delicious Coca-Cola.  Now is when conference sponsor Coke rolls out its new product, Coke CCS - the world's first truly carbon-neutral soft drink.  Samples distributed to audience.

Accelerate the move away from corn ethanol to more sustainable biofuels (this was the night's first applause line) via a "differential tax incentive." Clinton said corn ethanol plants can "easily be modified" to produce cellulosic ethanol, a claim many biofuel opponents would contest.  And contest it they will - as they are invited onto the stage for the first ever Celebrity Ethanol Wrestling Smackdown!

Implement a national program to shut down all urban landfills and use the organic material for waste heat or fertilizer. Rock climbing is so 20th century.  Welcome to the world's new sports phenomenon - high-speed, competitive, incinerator-scaling protests!  Demonstrations to begin outside conference hall.

Accelerate the shift hybrid electric vehicles and modernize rail networks. (Here Clinton mentioned that the 1992 Congress gave him money to research high-speed rail, but that the conservative 1994 Congress viewed rail as "closet communism" and shut the program down.) But on Soviet trains they used to serve those cute little glasses of tea.  It was so civilized.  Would you like some tea, audience?  Are you sure?  Put down your Coke CCS, everyone - Waiters, bring tea!

Demonstrate to rest of the world that "this is not an affectation for rich countries," that it's just as big an opportunity for developing countries. This is how we can restore our world reputation. That, and continually broadcast footage of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

(Why yes, it is a slow day at work...)