Thursday, 01 Apr 2004

April Fools' Day edition:

Terror Alert Level: Green

Bush to Roll EPA into Homeland Security Department

Calling environmental protection "a crucial piece of the security puzzle," the Bush administration yesterday unveiled a plan to roll the U.S. EPA into the Department of Homeland Security. DHS Secretary Tom Ridge cited the importance of protecting the nation's water supplies, chemical factories, and power plants from terrorist attacks and said the move would increase inter-agency cooperation on these efforts. Although EPA chief Mike Leavitt publicly supported the idea, one high-ranking EPA official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "This administration's monomaniacal focus on terrorism is out of control. It's threatening to absorb the entire federal apparatus." Defending the proposal, DHS Assistant Secretary Chris Kirkpatrick called attention to a recent Pentagon report that characterized global warming as a serious national security issue. "Whether it's smog or anthrax," he said, "a threat is a threat, and we should treat it as such." The proposal provoked cries of outrage from many enviros, but Devin Curtis at the National Environmental Trust found a silver lining: "If this makes the White House take environmental threats as seriously as they take terrorism, then maybe it's a plus."

Yum Yum Good

Fast-Food Giant Goes Eco-Friendly

Yum! Brands, Inc. -- the Fortune 500 company that operates KFC, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and several other restaurant chains worldwide -- has turned over a new environmental leaf. In a statement released yesterday, CEO David Novak said, "We take our slogan -- 'alone we're delicious, together we're Yum!' -- seriously. All earth's creatures are in this together. Our executives, employees, and shareholders believe that we have a responsibility to care for our planet." The company promised a range of eco-friendly changes to be phased in over the next five years: All restaurant chains will use exclusively organic meat, include post-consumer recycled content in their packaging, and provide public-transportation subsidies to employees. The move came as a surprise to industry analysts and competitors in the fast-food business. James Cantalupo, CEO of McDonald's Corp., said, "Frankly, I think it's unwise. We're here to feed customers, not change the world."

Anaerobic Exorcise

Possibly Extinct Bacteria Promised Cheap Energy

A newly discovered species of bacteria could have produced cheap, clean energy, but researchers worry that it may already be extinct. For the past year, researchers at the University of Chile have been studying a new species of bacteria discovered along the muddy banks of the Yarapa River in Peru. The discovery of a new bacteria in itself is not big news -- science is familiar with only about a 10th of extant bacteria species -- but in the past few months, researchers have stumbled upon a startling property of this particular species (Enhygromyxa regretiala): The anaerobic process by which the bacteria survives turns certain kinds of sulfates into hydrogen. "It's hard to overstate the potential here," said lead researcher Joshua Chasez. "The world is moving toward hydrogen power, and here's a cheap, clean, almost-endless source of hydrogen." Unfortunately, when Chasez's research team returned to the river to replenish its supply of bacteria, it found the surrounding forests clearcut, the river dammed, and the water devoid of life. It's entirely possible, Chasez said, that the only known source of the bacteria has been eliminated and the species is now extinct. "I wish we had known," he said.

Silence Is Yellow

Bush Reverses Course on Snowmobile Ban

The Bush administration announced today that it would uphold the original Clinton administration plan to completely ban snowmobiles from Yellowstone and Yosemite national parks by 2005. The move marked an unexpected resolution to a heated dispute that has seen years of judicial ping-pong and intense political wrangling. President Clinton ordered snowmobiles phased out shortly before leaving office, President Bush reversed the order in 2001, and federal judges have been wrestling over the issue ever since. Making today's announcement, National Park Service Director Fran Mainella said, "After extensive research, we have determined that snowmobiles adversely affect the noise level and air quality of our national parks." However, an anonymous senior administration official put a different spin on the development: "Basically, Karl Rove finally took note of what was happening and said, 'We're shooting ourselves in the foot for the snowmobile industry? What is that, 50 votes?'"

Think Globally, Act Yokelly

Kansas Activist Celebrates Environmental Milestone

Dwayne Fernley, founder and president of the Burdick Recycling Association in Burdick, Kan., celebrated his organization's 50th trip to the recycling center last week with a barbeque at the home he shares with his wife and association cofounder Rhonda Fernley. "After 9/11," Fernley said, "I just felt like I needed to do something." Burdick (population: 70) has no municipal recycling program, so every two weeks since early 2002, Fernley has driven his biodiesel truck to his neighbors' homes and gathered their paper and plastic items for delivery to a recycling facility in Salina, Kan., 60 miles to the northwest. Most families in Burdick have joined the association, and Fernley said that, aside from some people's insistence on including dairy-soiled items with their cardboard and ongoing confusion over the numbered variety of plastics, his program has run smoothly. Asked if he considers himself an environmentalist, he said, "No, no, I wouldn't say that. I've never even been to California."

'Roo the Day

New SUV Carries a Surprising Load

Just when you thought the SUV craze couldn't get any more overheated, General Motors has upped the ante. Yesterday, at the annual Copenhagen auto show, the company unveiled a prototype for a "DUV," or dual utility vehicle, dubbed the Kangaroo. Not only would the vehicle be the largest SUV on the market -- 31 feet long, and weighing half again as much as a Hummer H2 -- it would be the first personal vehicle ever designed as both a means of transport and a garage. Hard to believe, but the Kangaroo is designed to carry a spare vehicle inside it: a small, nimble two-seater electric car called the Joey, which is loaded and unloaded via a retractable ramp. On vacations, the company said, the Joey could be used for navigating narrow city streets or "sport driving," while the Kangaroo could carry the luggage for the long haul. According to GM, the Kangaroo and Joey would be "an unbeatable one-two punch for families that want the luxury of a large car with the convenience of a small one."

Fools Rush in Where Enviros Fear to Tread

Hoax Perpetrated on Unsuspecting Readers

All the news above is hooey. Happy April Fools' Day!