Tuesday, 01 Apr 2003

April Fools' Day edition:

Chrysler Almighty!

If you've read the automotive pages over the past few months, you know that big changes are afoot in the auto industry. First, General Motors announced a long-term push to develop a non-polluting, hydrogen fuel-cell vehicle called "Hy-wire." More recently, Ford unveiled a "Model U" prototype that is almost 100-percent recyclable. Now, Daimler-Chrysler is tossing its hat into the eco-vehicle ring: The automaker has announced that it is developing a new line of vehicles, dubbed CAR 1.1, that it says will emit only a few trace atmospheric gases and particles. According to Chrysler, the new cars will be fueled by hydrogen-carbon compounds that are abundant in nature. The technology behind the new vehicles' engines is surprisingly simple: hydrogen-carbon compounds will be combined in a reaction chamber with oxygen from the atmosphere, creating small bursts of energy that move pistons attached to a crankshaft. Says Daimler-Chrysler CEO Jaig Schremp, "We'll be using the power of combustion to make transportation fun, easy, and environmentally friendly."

Nose News Is Bad News

In a major blow to efforts to save the endangered black rhino, researchers at the University of Waterloo in Canada last week confirmed what Chinese medicinal lore has held for centuries: Powdered rhino horn is an exceptionally potent aphrodisiac. In a study published this week in the journal Science, lab mice fed minute quantities of rhino horn increased their sexual activity tenfold compared to a control group. The scientists had expected their study to show that the legend of rhino horn's potency was just that -- a legend. Instead, they were startled by their findings and torn about whether to publish them, given the likelihood that the study would increase market demand for rhino horn. "We don't want to harm the rhino's chances of survival," said Reginald Forsythe, the study's lead author, "but this is an incredibly powerful substance."

Regime Change

The stress of being second-in-command has apparently taken its toll on Vice President Dick Cheney's ticker, which was already in poor condition after four heart attacks and quadruple-bypass surgery. After detecting a subtle arrhythmia that could portend yet another attack, Cheney's doctors have placed him on a heavily restricted meal plan that eliminates meat and dairy products from his diet but for one supper of fish or chicken per week. His food regime now consists of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and soy-based products such as tofu and tempeh. "The vice president has never felt better," said White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer. But don't start imagining that the veep's veganism has made him warm up to environmental causes. White House insiders confirm that although Cheney has lost weight and looks healthier, he refuses to recommend his diet to anyone else out of respect for America's beef producers.

Happy Wheels

Adjusting to the times, McDonald's unveiled a new business plan earlier this week that involves opening biodiesel stations adjacent to its burger franchises. Biodiesel, an environmentally friendly alternative to diesel fuel, can be made by recycling the cooking oil used by Micky D's. Several industry analysts said the fast-food chain was making the move to improve both the company's image and its bottom line. For the last several years, McDonald's has been struggling financially as anti-globalization advocates have tarred it as a symbol of U.S. imperialism, and as healthful eating has gained mainstream appeal. Company spokesperson Fiona Leary called the filling stations "a natural extension" of the company's business and mission, but Lila Cousins, an alternative fuels expert with the Natural Resources Defense Council, described the development as "pleasantly flabbergasting."

Can't See the Terrorist for the Trees

Not content to let timber companies chop down trees in the name of fire prevention, the Bush administration now has a new rationale for clear-cutting in national forests: preventing terrorism. According to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, overgrown forests could be used as hiding places for terrorist cells planning attacks on U.S. cities and civilian populations. The department has proposed creating tree-free "clearance zones" of at least five miles around major population centers and reducing the acreage of dense, overgrown forests on federal lands by at least two-thirds by 2007. The administration is also considering transferring control over parts of the national forest and park systems to Homeland Security agencies, and replacing trained foresters with "security rangers" who would cruise forests looking for suspicious activities. Enviros expressed outrage that the administration would use fears of terrorism as an excuse to open up national forests to more logging.

Gotcha

This edition of Daily Grist is a joke. Happy April Fools' Day!