Chicken Soup for the Soulless

Foreign leaders, whom the Bushies have occasionally punctured in the hopes of finding oil, continue to complain about the White House's recently released energy plan like little babies. Vice President Cheney has bravely turned their nagging on its ear, pointing out that foreigners often marry dogs and then eat them.

"Conservation may be a sign of personal virtue," the vice president, wearing a sober sealskin jacket, has been widely quoted as saying. "But it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy."

Indeed, the nation has seen Cheney's moral vigor prevail over the din of enviro-whining. His potent dedication to eliminating conservation efforts is unquestionable. In the weeks preceding the release of the energy report, the vice president went so far as to bury a detailed efficiency report produced by five national laboratories. The document outlined strategies for reducing electricity demand by 20 to 47 percent, and Cheney, with quiet determination, urinated on it.

As with any greatness, Cheney's is white hot. Studies reveal that you and your friend(s) want to get near it somehow. Well, from this day forth, you'll never have to wait for another press conference -- the vice president's inspirational message can now be brought straight to your board room! If you believe your business -- or even your family -- would benefit from Cheney's unique brand of motivational speaking, call today to schedule a talk!

But don't take our word for it -- these Americans have already seen things improve since taking his message to heart:

• A struggling Idaho family was having a hard time getting food on the table. When the wife and mother suggested that the spirited youngster in the home cut back on emptying the grocery bags in the gulch behind the house, the boy's father stepped in. Recalling Cheney's steel-like leadership, he proposed an alternate plan, and proceeded to identify a variety of exciting new foods the family could purchase, gulch or no gulch.



• Legislators in a small South Carolina town voted unanimously to eliminate official observance of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Equality, justice, liberty -- the group decided that these work best at a personal level, and not as policy.



• When an impressionable young secretary at a Los Angeles ad agency was spotted turning off lights at the end of the day, she was not dismissed. Instead the woman's superior took the opportunity to educate his confused employee. The company ordered 200 replacement bulbs, in the event that the originals burned out. When the misguided young employee asked what would happen when the replacements burned out, the executive waved her away and instead hired four stacked strippers to dance in his office until he fell asleep.

What's more, the vice president is versatile. In addition to his standard speech, Conservation Makes Me Frustrated, there are others to choose from. Each is brimming with CheneyWisdom:

• Floss Less



• Try Putting Leeches on It



• Buy High, Sell Medium (or High)



• Those Don't Cause Cancer



• Why Not Eat It Raw?

America has a new leader. While Cheney's not technically the "president," he does have complete control over the executive branch of the federal government, and he got there by preaching one simple message: Cut it down, build a power plant there, and pump the waste into the stupid little river with the retarded slimy fish.

Don't "conserve" another second -- call today!