Dear Umbra,
I have a wonderful daughter who is just about to turn 5. She is currently the only grandchild and niece to our families, and therefore has everything she needs (still less than many kids we know, but plenty). Therein lies my dilemma: I don't want the plastic detritus and clutter that come along with your traditional American birthday party, but the party itself I love.
In years past, I have ducked this issue by suggesting parents adopt wildlife from Defenders of Wildlife (we did a fairy-tale party one year, and they adopted "Big, Bad" wolves, for instance). This year, she knows about presents and she wants them. I am not categorically opposed to presents, I just want some sanity and some limits. Maybe, if I had the guts, I would just say "no presents" again and skip the whole mess. What can I do?
Denise Wood
Phoenix, Ariz.
Dearest Denise,
I misread the subject of your email and thought it said "birthday overlord" instead of "birthday overload." I loved that idea, and I suppose parents are the Birthday Overlords, at least until the kids get old enough to organize their own birthdays and disinvite the parents.
Don't blow it all on plastic junk.
Photo: iStockphoto
Your reign as Birthday Overlord to date sounds highly creative, really impressive. Can I follow your lead? Probably not, except to point out that you've set up an ideal situation for yourself. Some of the kids coming to the party will be the same kids as previous years, and their parents are used to your no-present themes. Everyone is all warmed up for whatever this year's party holds. They may be shocked when you give gift suggestions.
And that's what I think Birthday Overlord should do. Just figure out what you want her to have, and tell people. Presents are not the problem. They just can't be the problem, because they are inevitable. Stopping her from having presents will eventually seem mean -- and worse, weird. (I would put weird in quotes, except I don't like quotes.) I utterly support what you're doing, it's just that you've got a daughter -- you can't appear too weird after she's a certain age, because it puts her in a bad position. You ladies know what I'm saying.
So, since presents can no longer be allowed to be a problem, and this is the year that you are ready to capitulate to social norms, let's reconfigure the problem as waste. Birthday Overlord must issue edicts streamlining gift choices, with the aim of receiving only wanted presents. I imagine you have a few ideas about toys or activities you think she's ready to enjoy. She probably has suggestions. Pick one or two of these that have multiple components: a dollhouse, a play farm, even bicycling, or ... help. I'm a little in the dark here with 5-year-old girls. All my current 5-year-olds are boys. Apologies if my suggestions are off; my point is that components can be the gifts.
This half-baked idea might work with a theme party, right? Let's use pirates as an example. She loves pirates. Announce a pirate theme party. You will ask the grandparents to give the expensive Playmobil pirate ship ($90), you will suggest that others purchase any of the pirate miscellany that comes with the ship, ranging in price from $3 (Red Coat Leader) to $30 (Pirate Skull Ship). If you don't want her to have little plastic toys, maybe people could give costume items. Or you could pick a theme that had to do with her beloved pet, and receive collars, brushes, fish paraphernalia, whatever. You're already a Birthday Theme Party Overlord, so it'll be a blast of a party and she'll get presents she'll use and love and pass on to future children -- presents vetted by your ecological guidelines.
An additional benefit to this approach may be solving the party-favor problem. The de rigueur favor bags when I was a kid were plastic bags filled with plastic rings and other soon-discarded items, and I assume not much has changed -- holy cow! Birthdayjubilee.com proves me right! Zounds. The gift theme provides cover for a low-waste party favor bag. I'm sure you've already figured all this out, Genius Birthday Overlord, but I'll just follow my train of thought here to the end. Pirates, for example, live rough and tumble lives, and all they care about is gold, so you just sew up a few cloth bags and stuff them with chocolate money. That would be an extreme improvement over the Cinderella Stardust Party Favor Bag and its ilk.
You already have been so creative with birthday waste avoidance that I'm not sure I was able to follow in your footsteps. I hope I was vaguely helpful, if only in giving the go-ahead for birthday presents within the eco-life. If you get a chance, let me know what you decide to do.
Avastly,
Umbra
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Comments
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momochan1974 Posted 1:41 am
26 Sep 2007
In my group of friends some have done a book swap party and asked everyone to bring a book. I also think it is fine to have a conversation with other parents and say "I don't want any more things with multiple pieces etc" I think many people can relate!
For my family (my kids are the only kids in my family as well) I ask that they either go in on a membership to a children's musuem or the zoo (or the Art Musuem) If you family lives close, I would also suggest that they might want to start up a tradition, say lunch at a special place and a trip to the movies, or even to a book store. If family isn't local and really wants to buy a toy then I would suggest everyone going in on 1 really meaningful gift, even if it is a toy. Magic Cabin has really lovely dolls and toy tree houses etc.
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rrose Posted 4:59 am
26 Sep 2007
http://www.slate.com/id/2135287/
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agnus2 Posted 5:46 am
26 Sep 2007
WHAT KIDS REALLY WANT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY
Tips for Parenting in a Commercial World - Betsy Taylor, Founder&President, Center for a New American Dream, Foreword by Mary Pipher, author
of Reviving Ophelia -- "Value that's beyond money... every person responsible for raising a child needs to read this." Washington Post.
"I want to know that I am loved... My parents buy me many things. But what tells me they
love me the most is when they listen to me." The author shows us ways to reinstill a love of
life's simple pleasures, teach the difference between friendships and popularity, build family
rituals, appreciate nature and find quiet time together. From protecting your children from
a billion-dollar-a-year marketing onslaught to allowing them to develop their own spiritual
lives, this much needed book is a dynamic, real-world guide to reshaping our busy lives and
giving our children more joy with less stuff -- and plenty of what truly matters most. 250
pp. $14. WKRW
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oregon brewer Posted 5:53 am
26 Sep 2007
On the invitations to the party we just put, "No presents except your presence." Depending on the theme, we have sometimes suggested something for the participants to bring. For example, one year we had a swim party at our local pool and suggested that each child bring a drawing of their favorite sea animal. The kids had fun sharing what they had made, and afterwards I bound them into a book for my son to keep to remind him of everyone who was there.
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anthony11 Posted 5:56 am
26 Sep 2007
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wayneluke Posted 6:09 am
26 Sep 2007
We also take the kids out to dinner at the restaurant of their choice (no fast food though) and purchase them ice cream afterwards.
As far as dealing with stuff, we cycle through things and give their clothes and toys to charity at Yule time. However it can still be hard to manage things.
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AmpersandRanch Posted 6:19 am
26 Sep 2007
"People seem to forget that you can't spend other people's money, even for a good cause," Ms. Martin said in a phone interview. "Do you really want the birthday child to grow up hating philanthropy because it's done him out of his birthday presents?"
While she sympathizes with parents' desire to avoid materialistic feeding frenzies, Ms. Martin advised: "They'd be much better off getting together with the other parents and agreeing on very small presents." Besides, she noted, children learn valuable lessons giving gifts they would rather keep for themselves -- and saying thank you even for things they do not like.
The entire no-gift article (with some excellent suggestions) can be found at http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/27/nyregion/27gifts.html
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rosalux Posted 6:42 am
26 Sep 2007
Plus, most people ask what kind of gifts they should bring (my boyfriend's family demands very specific lists). It's not rude to answer.
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eram Posted 7:02 am
26 Sep 2007
As for kids, I disagree w/Umbra on this one, but since I have none, that's easy for me to do. Agree w/kbrewer above & Miss Manners needs to step into the 21st century--she probably has stock in Mattell.
How about a China-free birthday theme :)
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danabelledit Posted 8:44 am
26 Sep 2007
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amc89 Posted 4:18 am
27 Sep 2007
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abogado717 Posted 11:42 pm
27 Sep 2007
One thing we've done is give kids "cookies in a jar," where all the dry ingredients for a cookie recipe (flour, sugar, chocolate chips, etc) are layered in a jar, with the recipe attached. You could also give a basket with everything needed to bake your own bread, or something similar.
One of our kids' birthdays is around Halloween, so we always have a Halloween themed party, in which we give each kid who attends a UNICEF box to take trick or treating.
Kids have as much fun with experiences as they do with things -- so think broadly -- what can you "give" a birthday kid that's not a plastic lead-tainted throwaway but that they will have fun with and (gasp!) maybe even learn something?
Finally, we're big fans of magazine subscriptions, mostly for older kids -- one good option is Kids Discover, which focuses on a different science or nature theme in each issue. Steer clear of National Geographic for Kids, however, as it's LOADED with ads for plastic toy crap and horrible junk food. (Shame on the National Geographic Society!)
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latenac Posted 3:21 am
01 Oct 2007
The easiest way to stop your 1-6 or 7 year old from getting a bunch of stuff you don't want them to have is to not have a birthday part for 20-30 kids and all of your relatives. The rule of thumb is number of kids per year in age. Even at 7 invitees it's still intimate enough that there probably will be discussion from the invitees about presents and you can make your wishes known.
Huge birthday parties for kids so young aren't for the kids but for the parents.
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Jennifer Lance Posted 2:27 am
02 Oct 2007
http://ecochildsplay.blogspot.com/2007/07/low-impact-birt ...
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gohamsters Posted 3:14 am
15 Oct 2007
We just had a 7th birthday party for our son and asked for no presents, but suggested a donation to WorldVision in lieu of for anyone who felt the need to give.
We talked over the 'no presents' with our son, who at first was tearful: as we read him the gift giving catalog and explained to him the situations of other children in the world who had little food, clothing, and clean water, his attitude quickly changed. He desperately wanted to help children in Bosnia afford new limbs, to send water bottles to Asian kids, and to adopt a sibling from Africa.
Our party guests donated a total of $125 to the charity, and our son selected the 'shares' of gifts they went towards. Most of the parents admitted they, too, wanted to go present-free, and said they sometimes simply bring gifts right to the toy store for a refund and the child never knew the difference...
Our son still received presents -- from his immediate family -- but what is more important, he learned to better appreciate what he already has, as he started to understand how fortunate he truly is compared to other children worldwide. This is a lesson that I hope we reminded a few grown-ups of on his birthday...
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