I Know You Are, But What Am I?

Umbra on deflecting eco-insults 18

Dear Umbra,

Whenever I pick up a piece of trash a friend has thrown on the ground, or ask them where their recycling bins are, they call me a dirty tree-hugging hippie. This doesn't bother me, since I know I shower daily and am happy to admit to hugging trees every so often, but they seem to think it's a real insult. I want to come up with a comeback that isn't, "Well, you're an ignorant conservative," but wit seems to escape me. I figured I'd go to the source of most good wit and ask you what I should say. I hate to sound preachy about litter and recycling, and that's how I sound most of the time.

Thanks,
Dirty Tree-Hugging Hippie

Dearest Dirty,

In what way do these persons qualify as "friends"? They insult you, you wish to insult them ... it doesn't seem so very friendly to me. Perhaps you have left out some loving details, but if not, please first consider that there may be, nearby, some people who would treat you respectfully and perhaps share some of your interests.

I'm rubber and you're glue.

In the meantime: Yes, it'd be nice if your eco-ripostes were funny, demonstrated how unaffected you are by the insults, and belittled the environmental carelessness of your "friend." I hope I can help you until you find more pleasant companionship, but you must have noticed that all my wit is written, not verbal. We may need to rely on some Grist readers handy with snappy comebacks. Help us out, folks -- what would a funny person say in this situation? I'm not sure my following suggestions qualify as witty so much as dorky. Since this type of name-calling is unavoidably juvenile, though, engaging in the fight will always be a bit on the silly side.

Honestly, the first silly thing that springs to mind is for you to say, "I don't just hug trees!" and give the pal a big old hug. It's the old grade-school trick: Deflate the insult by pretending it's not an insult. If you embraced the insulter every time, my bet is these folks would stop using any insult with the word "hug" in it.

Along those lines, you could deflate the insult via sincerity: "That's not a very nice thing to say, considering I just picked up your trash." Or you could play at sincerity, with a wounded look in your eyes: "Oh [insert pal's name], why do you hate the trees?"

One last idea may be the best I can come up with: just ask, "Are you trying to insult me?" It's not funny per se, but it does demonstrate your imperviousness to such a pathetic insult, and, if delivered with a sense of authority, should show up the "insult" for what it is: a juvenile taunt. It might become funny, or mean, or political, if appended with various follow-ups. "Are you trying to insult me? I'm picking up after your mess, you immature slob!" would be one route, while something like, "Are you trying to insult me? Even Dick Cheney recycles" has a certain ring -- but only amongst those who despise Cheney (you could substitute a mutually disparaged figure).

You get the idea. But it's still not a very good one. I'm kinda funny, but I tend to avoid mean people. It helps me keep my sense of humor.

Selfishly,
Umbra

 

Yours is to wonder why, hers is to answer (or try). Send your green-living questions to Umbra.

Umbra Fisk is Grist Research Associate II, Hardcover and Periodicals Unit, floors 2B-4B.

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  1. BlackBear Posted 4:21 am
    20 Oct 2008

    Never miss a pun opportunity!"I've stopped hugging trees, they get all sappy."
    Unlike Umbra's crew, my friends and I consider it our solemn duty to taunt each other, so I completely understand needing to have a snappy comeback. Puns aren't snappy, but I'm renowned (from here to next door) for them and it's my go-to response.
    Of course you can only use a pun once, so for Round Two, I might bust out some Sarcasm:

    "I know this is your planet, the other 6.5 billion of us are just squatters, right?"
    Or how about Weird for Round 3:

    "I have to recycle or the clowns will get me."

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  2. tboggia Posted 5:08 am
    20 Oct 2008

    Dirty who?I'd rather be a dirty hippy in a clean world than a clean as*h*le on a polluted earth

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  3. 2wheeler Posted 5:49 am
    20 Oct 2008

    Dirty hands but clean heartHmm, the usual response I get even from strangers in such circumstances is, if anything, a smile and a "thanks"-- to which I say, "You're welcome, I'm just doing my part."
    I would respond to such a "friend" thusly:

    "My hands get dirty picking up after careless slobs sometimes, but at least I can wash them."
    Or:   "It's not just trees, but the ecosystem and our quality of life, and sustainability, that I care about."

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  4. mocassinmike Posted 7:06 am
    20 Oct 2008

    Trashy RepliesWhen called a treehugger, hand your friend the trash just picked up and say "There is not a scrap of truth in that"
    If you do not want to say that you are not a treehugger perhaps quote scripture "Thou shalt not covered anything that is your neighbors"

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  5. oddtree Posted 7:18 am
    20 Oct 2008

    picking up trashI have often gotten the incredulous look and comment "you're picking up trash?!?". Usually I figure this is just cultural upbringing and not intended to insult me, so I give them the same look back and respond: "you were going to walk by trash and not pick it up?!?"
    I don't think people generally view these activities to be as weird as they thought they were even a few years ago.

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  6. themangina Posted 7:40 am
    20 Oct 2008

    it's easy for me to be greeni am the super of a building in queens and have agreed to pay the fines for not recycling so it's easy for me to say... "ok you can pay the $140 ticket" i think i am exaggerating but it's high. i am also extremely sensitive as to correct recycling techniques. thanks umbra! i needed to get that out of my hole.

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  7. Annie Rosenthal's avatar

    Annie Rosenthal Posted 7:55 am
    20 Oct 2008

    Dirty, Tree-hugging, HippieHi there.  I am a clean tree hugging hippie and proud of it.  My license plate is HIPPYMA, because I am.  Don't lower yourself.  That's only an insult because you allow it to be.  Honestly, it is hard for me to believe that anyone with half a brain could not understand that picking up trash and recycling is essential for the survival of the planet!!  You can do the right thing and be a role model without being preachy.  Go for it!

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  8. kmp Posted 10:06 am
    20 Oct 2008

    Snappy (or not so) ComebacksMy Mom has a habit of saying that a woman is a "little hippy" if she's trying to imply that the woman is somewhat overweight without using a pejorative term like "fat" or "heavy" etc.  Hence, I've always associated "hippy/hippie" with being fat.  When friends call me a dirty hippie (which, yes, they do, but generally it is in the same loving way I would call a friend a dork or a geek) I generally respond "So, you're calling me fat?!?"  Most do not get it, but I always crack myself up. At any rate, it generally derails the insult because people are generally mortified of implying that anyone is fat.
    To the tree-hugger accusation I usually reply "Once you go birch, you never go back!"  Birches happen to be a personal fave - feel free to insert oak, maple, etc. :)

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  9. psradd Posted 11:45 am
    20 Oct 2008

    my usual comebacksI always bring my own bags to the grocery and when I hand them over I say somewhat loudly and with a smile, "Just trying to save the world one plastic bag at a time...someone's got to do it!"  When I pick up trash, it's much the same with a smile and a shrug, "Recycling one piece at a time; I'm trying to save the world!"

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  10. PermieWriter's avatar

    PermieWriter Posted 12:44 pm
    20 Oct 2008

    ComebacksIt's interesting how the term hippy has become a pejorative. In these circumstances, a big smile is probably your best defense. Or a smaller smile and, "We prefer tree-hugging dirt worshippers, thank you." You can back that up by planting some sunflowers in your front yard.

    I prefer not to let folks categorize me, since it makes it easier for them to dismiss what I'm saying. Remember: they're getting defensive because you're doing something virtuous that on some level they know that they should be doing, too. Be gentle with them and you might be able to bring them around.

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  11. Delay And Deny's avatar

    Delay And Deny Posted 1:05 pm
    20 Oct 2008

    Bloody Nose

    You sound like the sort of Mom who would tell her son, that is being bullied by four teenage kids that are 5 years older, to simply quote Rilke or something while they pummel the crap out of your little darling.
    How about this, Hippie Person, ...say something like "yeah, I'm a really dirty hippie, like the Altamont kind, and I've got a pool cue in my minibus".

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  12. tolley Posted 1:07 am
    21 Oct 2008

    Dirty Tree HuggerI pick up garbage when I walk - I've even had to adopt a multi-bag policy (not that you can't always find a plastic bag along the way).  My garbage can is tiny so I can't throw it all away, I have to separate the garbage by trash/recyclable, haha!  Oddly enough, most of it is recyclable.  Anyway, mostly I get good honks and thanks, but kids often insult me.  I say, "Well, we're just different.  You're too good to pick it up, and I'm too good to live in it."  As for those who call me a tree-hugger, I'm happy to agree, and then mention all sorts of things they like to hug - nuclear waste, dirty water, guns - you get it.

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  13. mtvyfan's avatar

    mtvyfan Posted 4:53 am
    21 Oct 2008

    A teacher and I used to banter back and forthI was in Administration for a school district and a well-renowned teacher and I were the only committed recyclers. We would send interoffice envelopes with our "names" on them. I was Treehugger and she was Earth Mother. Everyone knew who we were and I was proud of my moniker and so was she.

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  14. bigbadsteve Posted 5:43 am
    21 Oct 2008

    Makin bacon with dirty pigsCease your compliant behavior, it just encourages your 'friend'(s) bad behavior. Next time one throws trash on the ground, be proactive and call them a dirty f****ng pig, simultaneously picking up their garbage and stuffing it forcibly into their pocket (or top of shirt/dress if they have no pockets). If their trash is dripping, all the better. When they react with shock and anger, tell them that you have as much right to throw garbage on their body as they have to throw garbage where you and other decent people want to enjoy a junk-free view.
    If a 'friend' calls you names for asking where their recycling bin is, put the trash in question into a plastic bag (which you always carry in your backpack for just such purpose) for recycling later. Then tell them why they should recycle. If they respond with abuse, go into a pre-prepared rant lasting a minimum of 10 minutes describing why those who don't respect the environment on a crowded planet with a large percentage of species on the way out for good are evil / deranged / worse than most animals. If they start babbling abuse at you mid-rant, rant LOUDER so they are forced to listen to you.
    Such assertive behavior will probably get these losers out of your life, giving you a chance to find decent friends, who won't be scared off by the human trash you currently associate with.

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  15. jmacncheese Posted 3:26 pm
    21 Oct 2008

    biodegradable soapboxA friend and I were discussing global warming at a party. My boyfriend, standing nearby, broke up with me the next day saying I was mean. Ouch! My friend didn't think so, my shrink said he has some issues...but I digress.
    Go for it! They can't insult you! I believe that some of us have to educate the slobs of the word.

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  16. amazingdrx Posted 12:17 am
    22 Oct 2008

    I'm with UmbraShun the wing nuts.  If we all did it, they could only reproduce with each other.
    The inbreeding would render them weak and sickly.  Eventually they would die off.
    And rot in their own toxic filth.  Wait, that's already happening.

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  17. witmol's avatar

    witmol Posted 6:59 am
    23 Oct 2008

    Hug awayHug them and make sure you have the piece of trash in your hand when you do. They soon learn to stop doing it (at least around you).
    I've picked up cigarette butts people have newly discarded on the ground and said: "Excuse me sir/madam, you dropped something!" and then either put the butt in their hand or in/on anything they are carrying. Point made.

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  18. beelo Posted 12:05 pm
    23 Oct 2008

    Good God, y'all.Hey, everybody, d'you hear that? He called me a hippy again! Har har!

    You're hysterical.
    Okay, G. Gordon Liddy, cut the wisecracks and just tell me where the

    recycling bin is.
    [Shoving the trash you just picked up in the litterer's shirt:] How's

    that for dirty?
    Recycling/picking up trash makes me a hippy? What is this, 1965?
    Cleaning litter makes me a hippy? What are you, on the board of Dow Chemical?
    Wait, cleaning litter makes me "dirty?" How's that, Einstein?
    Hey! I don't go around calling your ConsumerBot 3000, do I?
    Ooh, yeah, man. Municipal curbside recycling is my scene, and it freaks me out.
    Cool it, Alex P. Keaton, or I'll recycle your face.
    Why do you hate America?
    Yeah, I recycle. Jealous? Hate the game, not the playa!
    Yeah, I got a tree you can hug.
    Oh, hug this.

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