The Onion with another masterful satire 10

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1. 

   Tasermons Partner Posted 2:15 pm
   07 Mar 2008

   Heh......actually, right after the war began, many of the farmers began to tear down small dams that had nearly destroyed all of Iraq's native wetlands.  It was essentially the country's first large-scale act of ecoterrorism.  The farmers were upset with the dams, which had actually increased erosion, but kept vital nutrients from flooding their fields during the rain cycles.

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2. 

   Pompey Road Posted 12:00 am
   08 Mar 2008

   Full Metal JacketI believe if we went to steel shot or bullets it would be more eco friendly. The copper jacket lead ammo will not degrade in the soil but if we switched to steel that will rust away eventually we not only would help get the lead out of the environment but save scads of money on the more expensive copper.
   
   The eons of time and nature was good to us down here. It was not until we become civilized that destroying our habitat become fathomable or fashionable.

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3. 

   caniscandida Posted 12:23 am
   08 Mar 2008

   "That one!"Absolutely!  Way the cuter!
   Except that we already know from Sarah v.S.'s post that KFC are brutal enemies of chickens ...
   That Sudanese proverb really deserves to be anthologized: "Hack to death all the men, women and children, but be kind to Mother Earth."
   
   Chickens are our cousins! So are fish! So are other sentient animals! Let us learn to be kind.

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4. 

   caniscandida Posted 12:35 am
   08 Mar 2008

   lead shot and bulletsRight, Pomp.
   Certainly, that is an issue among hunters in California, what with the California condor picking at carrion -- clearly a no-brainer, everybody should stop using lead ammo.
   The twin river systems of Mesopotamia/Iraq have been messed up now for a while.  It would be interesting to know what effect all the trashed armaments, of lead or any other substance, are having on creatures that are otherwise trying to, like, live.
   
   Chickens are our cousins! So are fish! So are other sentient animals! Let us learn to be kind.

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5. 

   Pangolin Posted 2:51 am
   08 Mar 2008

   DU increases biodiversity and speciationDepleted Uranium that is. If you go to Iraqi hospitals today you will find all sorts of variations on the human norm in their pediatric wards. Those are just the visible variations.
   I'm also quite sure that having a slightly radioactive toxic heavy metal wafting through the window whenever the local heavy armor squad drives through the neighborhood does wonders for the local overpopulation problem.
   The Iraq war is of course taking hundreds of thousands of US men in their prime breeding years and removing them from their mates. That and the fact that post-traumatic stress disorder is so not-appealing to wives and girlfriends there's probably some darwinian selection happening there too.
   After all speciation is caused by stress and the separation of subsets of species. Well, that is something that we are providing in spades in Iraq. It's evolution in action.
   
   Put the Carbon Back

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6. 

   amazingdrx Posted 2:56 am
   08 Mar 2008

   How? Win it.Only one way to make the oil war easier on mother earth.  Win it.
   Withdraw our troops and spend the money, manpower, and cultural energy on replacing the oil that fuels the oil war.  The oil that fueled 911.  Ironically it was the oil based jet fuel that collapsed the towers.  That we now fight the oil war over.
   Take note Barack, change your position on the war.  Go for the win, the only way to win.  Can anyone doubt that bases are now established by oil warring corporate empire that are intended to support the recovery of all the oil in the ME?
   McCain's 100 year occupation?  That's about right, it will take quite a few decades to extract the rest of the oil.  
   And the only way to replace oil is renewable smart grids charging plugin hybrids and powering electric mass transportaion.  Fuel farming won't do it.  Neither will "clean" coal, coal to liquid fuel technology.  neither will tar sand extraction, even if it's powered by nukes.
   The GHG climate crisis rules out any of these alternatives.  GHG free oil replacement would win the oil war, non-violently.  
   
   http://amazngdrx.blogharbor.com/blog

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7. 

   bookerly Posted 8:07 am
   08 Mar 2008

   Ways to Make War Eco-Friendly
   
     1) Draft energy company leaders put them on the front line (perhaps they could detect land mines with their noses!).
     2) Use weapons manufacturing bosses in demo videos for their own products.
     3) Stage it at home in America!!  Local is better!!
     4) Solar powered weapons of mass destruction!
     5) Provide police with depleted uranium bullets (for some reason I always want to call it "distressed" uranium.  some sort of mental slip.)
     6) Allow hunters in America to use depleted uranium bullets.  Heck, we should all get a free supply!
     7) Permit Americans to own their own low yield nuclear weapons (to ward off terrorism).
      Whee!!  What fun!!!
   patrick in Beijing

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8. 

   LegumeSam Posted 8:12 am
   08 Mar 2008

   Suicide is the most eco-friendly optionYour "ecological footprint" (Rees & Wackernagel) goes to zero -- what better outcome is there?
   
   http://www.dailykos.com/User/Cassiodorus

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9. 

   Pompey Road Posted 3:20 am
   09 Mar 2008

   Military Complex Proving GroundGet with the program people, there is no better proving ground for weapons systems or platforms than actual combat. I watched many of the systems of today in their infancy at the end of the Vietnam War.
   Why end a good war when you know we will just have to start another one. In an industrial military based economy you have to have a conflict going on somewhere.
   Remember operation Ranch Hand the deforestation of Vietnam by using Agent Orange the Defoliant. A little dioxin never hurt nobody and quit your limp wristed crying about a little depleted uranium.
   Its a desert, in Nam the Combat Engineeers could not tear up enough with Cat Dozers and Rome Plows. We knocked down a lot of green stuff and sprayed the rest with stuff that would kill a telephone pole. This place is already a sand box.
   Where else would you want to end civilization except between the land of the two rivers where it began. The Tigris and Euphrates has been running red since the dawn of civilization. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon were the last green thing there of interest. What other reason will you ever find to justify armageddon except oil and no bid contracts for Haliburton.
   No WMD's, No Matter, boxed in and under sanctions, no matter. Give the U.N. inspectors one more chance to peak around, No matter. Saddam made the mistake of cheating on the oil for food program and selling oil for Euro's and also be sitting on the second largest oil reserve in the world. We needed a military presence in the region sinse the Saudi's had just kicked us out.
   If you are to squimish to get involved in civil wars in the Middle East or wars of attrition you must not be a true red blooded American.
   Inside every Iraqi is a true freedom loving capitalist. Its just a matter of waterboarding it out of them. Just like our other last misadventure we need to send our young representatives to an ancient culture in an ancient land to meet exotic peoples and kill them. How else will they learn about protecting the environment and how environmentally conscious we are if we don't.
   
   The eons of time and nature was good to us down here. It was not until we become civilized that destroying our habitat become fathomable or fashionable.

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10. 

    Pompey Road Posted 3:30 am
    09 Mar 2008

    Green GravesSuicide the most eco-friendly option! Not if you practice chemical embalming or cremation. Forgo the first and feed a worm, forgo the last and save energy. Let them hang you out Indian style and feed a Condor. If you go back to the earth naturally something good may come of you yet!
    
    The eons of time and nature was good to us down here. It was not until we become civilized that destroying our habitat become fathomable or fashionable.

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