On kids' birthday parties

26 Sep 2007

Got questions about the environment? Ask Umbra.

Dear Umbra,

I have a wonderful daughter who is just about to turn 5. She is currently the only grandchild and niece to our families, and therefore has everything she needs (still less than many kids we know, but plenty). Therein lies my dilemma: I don't want the plastic detritus and clutter that come along with your traditional American birthday party, but the party itself I love.

In years past, I have ducked this issue by suggesting parents adopt wildlife from Defenders of Wildlife (we did a fairy-tale party one year, and they adopted "Big, Bad" wolves, for instance). This year, she knows about presents and she wants them. I am not categorically opposed to presents, I just want some sanity and some limits. Maybe, if I had the guts, I would just say "no presents" again and skip the whole mess. What can I do?

Denise Wood
Phoenix, Ariz.

Dearest Denise,

I misread the subject of your email and thought it said "birthday overlord" instead of "birthday overload." I loved that idea, and I suppose parents are the Birthday Overlords, at least until the kids get old enough to organize their own birthdays and disinvite the parents.

Don't blow it all on plastic junk.

Photo: iStockphoto

Your reign as Birthday Overlord to date sounds highly creative, really impressive. Can I follow your lead? Probably not, except to point out that you've set up an ideal situation for yourself. Some of the kids coming to the party will be the same kids as previous years, and their parents are used to your no-present themes. Everyone is all warmed up for whatever this year's party holds. They may be shocked when you give gift suggestions.

And that's what I think Birthday Overlord should do. Just figure out what you want her to have, and tell people. Presents are not the problem. They just can't be the problem, because they are inevitable. Stopping her from having presents will eventually seem mean -- and worse, weird. (I would put weird in quotes, except I don't like quotes.) I utterly support what you're doing, it's just that you've got a daughter -- you can't appear too weird after she's a certain age, because it puts her in a bad position. You ladies know what I'm saying.

So, since presents can no longer be allowed to be a problem, and this is the year that you are ready to capitulate to social norms, let's reconfigure the problem as waste. Birthday Overlord must issue edicts streamlining gift choices, with the aim of receiving only wanted presents. I imagine you have a few ideas about toys or activities you think she's ready to enjoy. She probably has suggestions. Pick one or two of these that have multiple components: a dollhouse, a play farm, even bicycling, or ... help. I'm a little in the dark here with 5-year-old girls. All my current 5-year-olds are boys. Apologies if my suggestions are off; my point is that components can be the gifts.

Ask Umbra continues below

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This half-baked idea might work with a theme party, right? Let's use pirates as an example. She loves pirates. Announce a pirate theme party. You will ask the grandparents to give the expensive Playmobil pirate ship ($90), you will suggest that others purchase any of the pirate miscellany that comes with the ship, ranging in price from $3 (Red Coat Leader) to $30 (Pirate Skull Ship). If you don't want her to have little plastic toys, maybe people could give costume items. Or you could pick a theme that had to do with her beloved pet, and receive collars, brushes, fish paraphernalia, whatever. You're already a Birthday Theme Party Overlord, so it'll be a blast of a party and she'll get presents she'll use and love and pass on to future children -- presents vetted by your ecological guidelines.

An additional benefit to this approach may be solving the party-favor problem. The de rigueur favor bags when I was a kid were plastic bags filled with plastic rings and other soon-discarded items, and I assume not much has changed -- holy cow! Birthdayjubilee.com proves me right! Zounds. The gift theme provides cover for a low-waste party favor bag. I'm sure you've already figured all this out, Genius Birthday Overlord, but I'll just follow my train of thought here to the end. Pirates, for example, live rough and tumble lives, and all they care about is gold, so you just sew up a few cloth bags and stuff them with chocolate money. That would be an extreme improvement over the Cinderella Stardust Party Favor Bag and its ilk.

You already have been so creative with birthday waste avoidance that I'm not sure I was able to follow in your footsteps. I hope I was vaguely helpful, if only in giving the go-ahead for birthday presents within the eco-life. If you get a chance, let me know what you decide to do.

Avastly,
Umbra

Yours is to wonder why, hers is to answer (or try). Please send Umbra any nagging question pertaining to the environment -- but first check out her FAQs!

The claims made in this column may not reflect the views of this magazine. Neither the magazine nor the author guarantees that any advice contained in this column is wise or safe. Please use this column at your own risk.

Umbra Fisk is Grist Research Associate II, Hardcover and Periodicals Unit, floors 2B-4B.

Comments: (15 comments)

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Birthdays

When people ask me what my kids want I always try and steer them towards books or consumables (markers, playdough, art kits) And I try and only give those gifts as well. If a child is a collector of something we will also give that.

In my group of friends some have done a book swap party and asked everyone to bring a book. I also think it is fine to have a conversation with other parents and say "I don't want any more things with multiple pieces etc" I think many people can relate!

For my family (my kids are the only kids in my family as well) I ask that they either go in on a membership to a children's musuem or the zoo (or the Art Musuem) If you family lives close, I would also suggest that they might want to start up a tradition, say lunch at a special place and a trip to the movies, or even to a book store. If family isn't local and really wants to buy a toy then I would suggest everyone going in on 1 really meaningful gift, even if it is a toy. Magic Cabin has really lovely dolls and toy tree houses etc.

by momochan1974 at 8:41 AM on 26 Sep 2007

Book Party

The following link is to a story of one couple's solution to the problem through a book exchange.

http://www.slate.com/id/2135287/

by rrose at 11:59 AM on 26 Sep 2007

Birthday celebrations

Surprised that the Research Associate did so little research on this. There are a world of inspiring resources, such as www.simpleliving.org, which offers alternatives for celebrations and reading matter for parents and children. Our children got to invite one friend to a special outing and have whatever they wanted for birthday dinner (for years daughter's favorite was fish sticks!). Son's birthday was at the time of the county fair, so the usual celebration included cotton candy, rides, but not forgetting looking at the animals (chickens with mops of feathers on their feet!) and other exhibits.

WHAT KIDS REALLY WANT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY
Tips for Parenting in a Commercial World - Betsy Taylor, Founder&President, Center for a New American Dream, Foreword by Mary Pipher, author
of Reviving Ophelia -- "Value that's beyond money... every person responsible for raising a child needs to read this." Washington Post.
"I want to know that I am loved... My parents buy me many things. But what tells me they
love me the most is when they listen to me." The author shows us ways to reinstill a love of
life's simple pleasures, teach the difference between friendships and popularity, build family
rituals, appreciate nature and find quiet time together. From protecting your children from
a billion-dollar-a-year marketing onslaught to allowing them to develop their own spiritual
lives, this much needed book is a dynamic, real-world guide to reshaping our busy lives and
giving our children more joy with less stuff -- and plenty of what truly matters most. 250
pp. $14. WKRW

by agnus2 at 12:46 PM on 26 Sep 2007

Present-free parties

My son, who is now 8, has had present-free birthday parties with friends for the past four years. He gets lots of presents from grandparents and other family (who usually do check with me for gift ideas), so it is not like he is being deprived. We just want to cut down on the amount of stuff coming into our house and also keep the focus of the parties on having fun with friends, not on "getting".

On the invitations to the party we just put, "No presents except your presence." Depending on the theme, we have sometimes suggested something for the participants to bring. For example, one year we had a swim party at our local pool and suggested that each child bring a drawing of their favorite sea animal. The kids had fun sharing what they had made, and afterwards I bound them into a book for my son to keep to remind him of everyone who was there.

kbrewer

by oregon brewer at 12:53 PM on 26 Sep 2007

It has to be said

I for one welcome our new Birthday Overlords.

by anthony11 at 12:56 PM on 26 Sep 2007

Presents

My children are older but a few years ago, we started giving the kids a Gift Card instead of a bunch of wrapped presents. For my oldest son, he usually accumulates this along with other money for one big thing he wants. One year it was a Nintendo DS. Right now, he is saving money for a Nintendo Wii. My daughter, the youngest, uses her money to usually buy clothes but we have to donate her old stuff to the domestic violence shelter. The only one we have problems with is our middle child. He is autistic and really doesn't understand the concept of a gift card opposed to say a new Bionicles set (Legos for those without children).

We also take the kids out to dinner at the restaurant of their choice (no fast food though) and purchase them ice cream afterwards.

As far as dealing with stuff, we cycle through things and give their clothes and toys to charity at Yule time. However it can still be hard to manage things.

by wayneluke at 1:09 PM on 26 Sep 2007

Birthday Presents

The following is an excerpt from a July 2007 interview between the New York Times and Miss Manners (Judith Martin):

"People seem to forget that you can't spend other people's money, even for a good cause," Ms. Martin said in a phone interview. "Do you really want the birthday child to grow up hating philanthropy because it's done him out of his birthday presents?"
While she sympathizes with parents' desire to avoid materialistic feeding frenzies, Ms. Martin advised: "They'd be much better off getting together with the other parents and agreeing on very small presents." Besides, she noted, children learn valuable lessons giving gifts they would rather keep for themselves -- and saying thank you even for things they do not like.

The entire no-gift article (with some excellent suggestions) can be found at http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/27/nyregion/27gifts.html

by AmpersandRanch at 1:19 PM on 26 Sep 2007

"You can't spend other people's money"

I put the kibosh on (most) unwanted gifts early by asserting my right to decide what does or does not stay in my house. Now that my family knows that I ruthlessly regift and donate unwanted items, they either abide by my request that they not give us things (which is hardly spending other people'e money) or they stick with things they know we will use instead of buying whatever random crap strikes their fancy.

Plus, most people ask what kind of gifts they should bring (my boyfriend's family demands very specific lists). It's not rude to answer.

by rosalux at 1:42 PM on 26 Sep 2007

Rosalux - great answer!

I'm grown & kidless, but how can I tell my inlaws delicately about the gift issue? I'm so sick of "random crap" for my b-day & holidays, but they're nice & generous people so I don't know what to do!

As for kids, I disagree w/Umbra on this one, but since I have none, that's easy for me to do. Agree w/kbrewer above & Miss Manners needs to step into the 21st century--she probably has stock in Mattell.

How about a China-free birthday theme :)

by eram at 2:02 PM on 26 Sep 2007

Birthdays

My 12-year-old wanted to do something simpler, so asked her friends to only bring gifts that they didn't spend money on. They had such a good time opening the gifts together -- compilations of favorite jokes, poems written by guests, handmade jewelry (a great way to use up all those craft kits filling the closet), lists of recommended books (to check out from the library, of course), favorite recipes, packets of garden seeds. She felt especially loved, because the gifts represented time and thought, and the guests had their creativity appreciated. Now, I don't know if my 10-year-old son would groove on the idea, but it worked for her!

by danabelledit at 3:44 PM on 26 Sep 2007

"Adopting" animals

I've always been partial to the wildlife adoption programs with groups like Defenders of Wildlife and Earth Island Institute. Great way to teach kids about endangered species. Farm animal advocacy groups like Farm Sanctuary also do adoptions for their cows, pigs, lambs, goats and chickens, most of which have been rescued from factory farms or are discarded pets. I adopted a chicken for my dad a few years ago. I think kids would love it, especially if you live near the sanctuary and can go visit the animal.

by amc89 at 11:18 AM on 27 Sep 2007

Give experiences -- or things to make

A great alternative to "stuff" as presents is "experiences." Give tickets to the aquarium, or to a concert (an inexpensive one, anyway). If you are someone the child is close to (particularly a grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousins, etc) you could give "gift certificates" for things they get to do with you -- "a trip to the beach with Aunt Patty."

One thing we've done is give kids "cookies in a jar," where all the dry ingredients for a cookie recipe (flour, sugar, chocolate chips, etc) are layered in a jar, with the recipe attached. You could also give a basket with everything needed to bake your own bread, or something similar.

One of our kids' birthdays is around Halloween, so we always have a Halloween themed party, in which we give each kid who attends a UNICEF box to take trick or treating.

Kids have as much fun with experiences as they do with things -- so think broadly -- what can you "give" a birthday kid that's not a plastic lead-tainted throwaway but that they will have fun with and (gasp!) maybe even learn something?

Finally, we're big fans of magazine subscriptions, mostly for older kids -- one good option is Kids Discover, which focuses on a different science or nature theme in each issue. Steer clear of National Geographic for Kids, however, as it's LOADED with ads for plastic toy crap and horrible junk food. (Shame on the National Geographic Society!)

by abogado717 at 6:42 AM on 28 Sep 2007

miss manners is right

No one has to give a birthday present when invited to a birthday. In trying to dictate to people what to give or not give you are operating under the assumption that everyone is going to give you a present. Not that you can't make suggestions about what to give if someone should ask.

The easiest way to stop your 1-6 or 7 year old from getting a bunch of stuff you don't want them to have is to not have a birthday part for 20-30 kids and all of your relatives. The rule of thumb is number of kids per year in age. Even at 7 invitees it's still intimate enough that there probably will be discussion from the invitees about presents and you can make your wishes known.

Huge birthday parties for kids so young aren't for the kids but for the parents.

by latenac at 10:21 AM on 01 Oct 2007

Low Impact Birthday Party

Lots of good ideas for a low impact birthday party at this site.
http://ecochildsplay.blogspot.com/2007/07/low-impact-birt ...

by Jennifer Lance at 9:27 AM on 02 Oct 2007

Only Overlords dictate presents... maybe

I agree with Ms Mannsers and latenac on this one -- you cannot dictate presents and still err on the side of good manners.

We just had a 7th birthday party for our son and asked for no presents, but suggested a donation to WorldVision in lieu of for anyone who felt the need to give.

We talked over the 'no presents' with our son, who at first was tearful: as we read him the gift giving catalog and explained to him the situations of other children in the world who had little food, clothing, and clean water, his attitude quickly changed. He desperately wanted to help children in Bosnia afford new limbs, to send water bottles to Asian kids, and to adopt a sibling from Africa.

Our party guests donated a total of $125 to the charity, and our son selected the 'shares' of gifts they went towards. Most of the parents admitted they, too, wanted to go present-free, and said they sometimes simply bring gifts right to the toy store for a refund and the child never knew the difference...

Our son still received presents -- from his immediate family -- but what is more important, he learned to better appreciate what he already has, as he started to understand how fortunate he truly is compared to other children worldwide. This is a lesson that I hope we reminded a few grown-ups of on his birthday...

by gohamsters at 10:14 AM on 15 Oct 2007

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Simple Gifts

On kids' birthday parties