On love

On love

01 Mar 2006

Got questions about the environment? Ask Umbra.

Dear Umbra,

I long to have a partner join in (or be excited and supportive) when I participate in an environmental event, or write a well-researched and poignant letter about a pressing environmental issue. I have broken off three serious relationships in the past few years because I decided the men were not environmentally sensitive enough. Where does a nice, smart chick like me meet a nice, smart, environmentally sensitive activist?

Edelweiss
Ottawa, Ontario

Ask Umbra continues below

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Dearest Edelweiss,

I read your letter to a friend and he said, "Hard core -- good for her."

I had a slightly different take on your situation. From your brief description, you sound as though you expect your man to come fully formed as Fantasy Boyfriend.

Love stinks.

Photo: iStockphoto.

Fantasy Boyfriend is nice because he affirms us by being mostly exactly like us. A particularly strong point of FB is his ability to get excited by activities such as writing a poignant letter to Delta and Pine Land. FB definitely does not need to learn about issues that are important to us, because he already is steeped in said issues.

Over the years, I've noticed that Fantasy Boyfriend (and Fantasy Girlfriend) is the product not just of Fantasy, but also of Self-Deception. Although you may find a boy or girl who happens to love poignantletterwriting -- I bet you already know some -- it is likely they have some other fantasy-puncturing components, like, I don't know, can't cook, hate cats, smoke, blond. My belabored point is that FB and FG do not exist for most normal, neurotic people -- not because nice wonderful people are not out there for us, but because our fantasy comes from a childish part of our mind that invents perfect paragons rather than thinking of growing, changing people with whom we will make mutual relationships.

I currently believe that the best companion is someone with whom we get along and have enough in common to feel good, someone we love and who loves us enough to become interested in our passions even if they are not their passions. Someone we think is nice. Maybe I'm naive. I think if someone is nice but ignorant on environmental issues, there is a probability that they'll learn from us and become an environmentalist. Especially if they're in love with us. I just have to assume that those relationships you broke off had problems other than eco-grooviness.

Alright, that's it for the baked beans of wisdom learnt in my own personal basement of the soul.

As to the logistics of meeting nice people, I report a few tips learnt from friends. If you use an online dating site (they recommended Match, Salon, and eHarmony), use a variety of search terms. Here are some other ways friends have met their mates: at work, through friends, speed dating, Craigslist, ultimate games, ushering a play, high-school reunion. Basically, if you are an active, open person, you'll probably meet someone you like. Even if you aren't an active, open person, you probably will. It's partially luck, partially patience, and partially a numbers game. Just be sure you tell your guys right away about your No. 1 Fantasy of environmental compatibility, if it continues to be a deal-breaker. Persevere, and you will prevail.

Believingly,
Umbra

Yours is to wonder why, hers is to answer (or try). Please send Umbra any nagging question pertaining to the environment -- but first check out her FAQs!

The claims made in this column may not reflect the views of this magazine. Neither the magazine nor the author guarantees that any advice contained in this column is wise or safe. Please use this column at your own risk.

Umbra Fisk is Grist Research Associate II, Hardcover and Periodicals Unit, floors 2B-4B.

Comments: (7 comments)

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Spot on

Thanks for recognizing this phenomenon and laying it bare. As a single vegan, I've been disappointed and dismayed at times at how often those on both sides of the chromosomal divide dismiss someone who'd be great with them, for lack of something trivial like extreme height or the wrong color hair. Recognition of what is/isn't truly important in a partner seems to be a rare commodity, at least in my age bracket.

by anthony11 at 1:26 PM on 01 Mar 2006

Seeking a mate? Or just a good time? Volunteer!

Dear Umbra,

You left out the best way to meet someone who shares your values and your passion. Volunteer! That's where the groovy people are.

I met my spouse while volunteering for a corporate accountability group. We have now co-authored many a touching letter and scathing op-ed, attended activist meetings together, and plotted and schemed the downfall of the powerful, pious and polluting.

Best wishes and good luck,
Dave

by DaveGreenAndRed at 1:31 PM on 01 Mar 2006

Finding eco-minded singles

Good call, Dave, on volunteering. There's a website www.realidate.com that brings singles together for volunteering & other events. Also check out meetup.com which organizes monthly face-to-face meetings (search topics like "environment" and
"democracy for america"--which came out of the Howard Dean campaign). Other places to meet eco-minded singles: care2.com/community , veggielove.com and greensingles.com .

Eharmony.com is quite good in general, and here's a tip: after taking the lengthy test, you get to fill in your profile, and you can write just about anything in the input fields (including ways to look up your contact info!)...before you subscribe. Eharmony doesn't seem to screen the text that users input.

~ George
http://georgekao.com

by georgekao at 10:59 PM on 01 Mar 2006

I agree with Umbra

Having gone a long way towards chilling out since my self-righteous, know-it-all days in college, some might say that I have sold out a bit. On the other hand, I have worked into a career that may not be too exciting (transportation planning) but where I know I can make a real difference. Similarly, I have become much more realistic about dating. I used to have a very strict ideal of how my mate would be. Now in a very happy relationship with someone who could have cared less about environmental things before we met, we are gradually finding a common ground, and making compromises for each other. She may be an artist and I a hyper-rationalist, but she finds my interest in urban planning sexy -- could I ever really expect to be that lucky with a know-it-all environmentalist? :)

I like a lyric by Tool that to me implies the futility (and ultimate self-harm) of this extreme, narcissistic way of thinking: "Controlling, confining, defining - and sinking deeper"

by accel2 at 6:32 AM on 02 Mar 2006

re: Finding eco-minded singles

George: FWIW, veggielove and greensingles both suffer from rather a lack of critical mass, and eHarmony keeps throwing carnivore grandmothers at me.

by anthony11 at 10:11 AM on 02 Mar 2006
[ Parent ]

GreenSingles recommendation

Hey Edelweiss,

I've had great luck with GreenSingles.com and highly recommend the site.

Best, Sophia

by sophia at 6:37 PM on 02 Mar 2006

lovesorganic.com

I've meet a few cute greenies on LivesOrganic.com

You can post a profile for free...

http://www.lovesorganic.com

by bilsen at 3:06 PM on 06 Apr 2006

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Shall I Compare Thee to an Activist?